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The Plumber’s Ordeal – Senator Hubris Story

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The Plumber’s Ordeal


                                                                      Mark Poyhonen

                “I call the defendant, Mike the plumber, to testify,” announced the most honorable prosecutor , Senator Hubris. 

                There was a crowd in the courtroom that day and some murmuring was heard as the plumber took the stand and swore to tell the truth.  The prosecutor stood and faced the audience until they grew quiet.  Then he approached his witness holding a yellow tablet of notepaper.

                Ah, let’s see, here,” said Hubris pacing in front of the seated plumber.   He  continued to flip through the pages of notes until his pacing placed him in front of the accused, whereupon he stopped, puffed up his chest and exclaimed, “You are here because you lied and slandered your duly elected representative, are you not?”

                “No I am not.” calmly replied the plumber.

                “May I remind you that you took an oath to tell the truth – perjury is a crime and could increase your prison time by quite a bit,”  Hubris challenged the seated man with words carried on the cheesy breath of fish which topped the bagel he had combined with a hearty breakfast.

                “Since you are polite enough to ask; no,” Mike answered clearly and without hesitation.  He was a plumber.  He had been olfactory challenged in extreme conditions and the prosecutor’s attempt at making him appear guilty by cringing in the witness chair was unsuccessful.

                “Well you surely stand accused of blasphemy, you little peanut,” said Hubris.  “Please tell the jury, in your own words, what brought you to this trial today so they may hear your lies firsthand and judge you accordingly.”

                Mike cleared his throat and looked directly at the twelve seated citizens, “I told Senator Gready that politicians in our country comprised the lowest life form of humanity.”

                “There.  You see, my dear jurors, the man throws himself on his own sword,” Hubris jumped between Mike and his view of the jury and spread wide his arms.  “But you said this was also not your opinion but pure fact, did you not?”  The senator turned to attack the witness.  His head was shaking in and his finger pointed at the plumber’s chest.

                “I did,” Mike replied.

                “So you admit to lying and slandering your elected official,” the prosecutor smiled as he spoke.   “The lowest life form in any class is easily recognizable but there is no test that would reliably ascertain the identity of any politician from any other person in any crowd of individuals.  Your opinion is slander, not fact, and your slander is a punishable offense in that your lies diminish the honor and tradition of these great United States, not to mention that the efficacy of politicians, in general, would be lowered should anyone actually believe your slander, making their hard efforts, trying to serve this country even more difficult due to their lost credibility.”

                “It is true that they hide in the masses but they can be easily identified because they have few morals, no ethics, and only serve themselves,” Mike spoke  quickly without being addressed.

                “Slander!” shouted Hubris.

                The judge pounded his gavel, “The witness will refrain from such outbursts and will only reply to the questions posed by the honored councils of prosecutor and defense.”

                “I apologize, your honor,” said Mike quietly.

                Hubris sneered at the defendant, “You say you could identify the lowest life form of humans in a consistent manner?  Well, if your council agrees, then I propose we put you to the test and rest this case on your proclaimed scientific ability to consistently find the lowest life form in a group of three hundred individuals taken from all walks of American life.”

                Mike nodded in agreement as he was his own council.

                “And how long will this ‘experiment’ take before you admit you are a lying un-American bigot?”

                “One afternoon will suffice,” said Mike with a cold stare.  “We will also need a windowless room that can contain all the members of the experiment and a large truckload of manure and enough large empty wheeled tubs capable of storing the manure supplied in the truckload.”

                The judge said, “We will adjourn until 9AM tomorrow where we shall meet at the civic center where such a room exists.  I take it you can supply the volunteers for this experiment, Senator Hubris?”

                The senator agreed and vigorously nodded his head.

                “And the manure?” requested the judge.

                “He can supply that as well,” injected Mike the Plumber.

                The civic center was filled with news people, gawkers, and ordinary citizens interested in the plumber’s ordeal.  Three hundred volunteers added to the confusion as everyone jockeyed for position in order to see and hear the proceedings.  A line of uniformed police held the crowd at bay while the judge and jury stood before the double doors leading to the room selected for Mike’s experiment.  Mike stood in chains, next to a sweltering Senator Hubris who watched and counted the volunteers who filed into the room.

                “It doesn’t really matter how many persons enter the room.  Twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty eight or a few more or less will make no difference,” Mike interrupted the Senator’s counting.

                The senator scowled at Mike, “I normally would not have accepted the honor to be a prosecutor as  being a senator is my full time job but I relish the opportunity to trample your ideas, demean your lies, and personally humiliate you before being the catalyst of your incarceration.  You should be shot for treason but these spineless courts refuse to go beyond the accusation of slander and the corruption of society.”

                “Are you going to join the volunteers?” asked Mike.

                The judge gaveled a table and asked Mike what was about to occur.  The action kept Hubris from a retort and it was obvious the senator was seething on his insides with anger  and disgust.

                Mike spoke and when he voiced his agenda no other sound was heard – the proverbial pin drop would have echoed in the civic building.

                We need to instruct all the volunteers to promise, in writing to perform the actions given by myself over the next thirty or so minutes.

                The judge took mass oaths to accomplish Mike’s demands and finally gave the plumber leave to address the group of volunteers.

                Mike addressed the group in the room, “We want you all to remove your clothes completely after the lights are turned off.  Just stand where you are and pile your garments at your feet.  Listen for further instructions and do not speak while the lights are off.”  Then he flipped the light switch and closed the door.  Three minutes later Mike opened the door and asked everyone to dress again.

                A few minutes later, after the lights were turned on the confused group stood in various places about the room.  Most were somewhat disheveled but all were dressed and quiet while they awaited further instructions.   Mike repeated his prior instructions and turned off the lights again.

                On the third iteration of the same task, Mike turned on the lights one minute after instructing the volunteers to undress.

                “This is a two phased approach, your Honor,” he explained.  “The clothed individuals are partially made up of politicians but there are lawyers mixed in with them.”

                The clothed volunteers were separated from the naked persons who were allowed to leave as soon as they could dress and document their livelihood.   The truck of manure was backed to the doorway and pushed into the room with the help of a small tractor having a tipping shovel.  

                Mike promised that he only had one further set of instructions and the judge gave the nod for him to proceed.  Hubris viewed the group of left over volunteers with concern on his face and Mike thought he probably recognized most of the remaining volunteers.

                “Now all of you must clean up this room and using the shovels provided, put all this dung into the provided tubs.  Just open the doors when the job is complete,” he explained before closing the door.

                “Now Mike,” began the judge, “Just what was the first downsizing supposed to prove?”

                “Politicians would never strip because exposure is something they all fear more than anything else.  Of course many lawyers happen to also be politicians and they feel their position and knowledge allows them to break oaths on a whim with no remorse or feeling of guilt.  They feel capable at arguing away any responsibility for not following their word of honor.  Normal people consider an oath obligatory.  It is easy to separate the arrogant lawyers and politicians from any mass group of honorable people,” Mike explained.

                “So now you think that all you need do is separate the politicians from the lawyers?” asked the judge.

                “When this is over and their task is complete; the politicians will be the clean ones in the room because they will have paid the lawyers to do their dirty work,”  Mike explained again.

                Two hours later three clean politicians were identified in the room.  The livelihood of all participants was documented and Mike the Plumber was acquitted.


Written by poyhonen

May 5, 2010 at 8:37 am

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