Poyhonen's Blog

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Senator Hubris Saves the Pandas

Armed secret agents paced the hallway leading to the Hotel conference room. An agent nodded recognition to a short robust man garbed in Chef’s apparel, and opened a door to allow the cook to wheel a heavy cart into the room. His entry was followed by the solid thunk of a lock.
The medium-sized room was filled by a single conference room table lined with the mayors of key cities selected from across the United States of America.
“Is that the last cart?” Senator Hubris occupied the large padded chair situated at the head of the table.
“It is your Excellency,” the chef wiped his brow. The large cart joined three others already in the room. The chef pointed to black suited agents who were made to serve the elegant lunch. Occasionally the chef quietly scolded an agent for misplacing a utensil or serving from the wrong side of a seated representative.
“Mm, good bisque,” Hubris smiled at the chef and looked around the seated diners.
They mimicked his action, “Mm good, chef Bombardi.”
“Tanks cookie.”
“Yummy.”
“My compliments on your fine repast.”
“Burp, excuse me.”
Hubris poked an agent who leaned over him in an attempt to refill his glass of heavy water, “Hey busboy, get your gun out of my face!” The secret service agent retreated behind the row of carts.
“Harrumph, Albert here,” Hubris cleared his throat to glean attention and pointed to a tall man with unruly hair, “Albert is in charge of security and I want you all to know that what we are about to discuss must remain in this room. Albert has collected all your phones and electronics, which you can recover in the hotel lobby lost and found, after lunch. Since our business involves international affairs, I want to ensure that everyone knows how to handle the classified information we are about to discuss. Are we all agreed?”
The room murmured and heads bobbed. The chef, however, raised a hand.
“Uh, Chef,” Hubris recognized the cook.
“I once classified a menu in an email I sent to Hillary,” the man admitted. “She didn’t want people to know what she ate.” The chef looked guilty.
“That is not funny,” Albert commented.
“Oh, no,” the chef responded with innocent sincerity, “Three days later, I got a huge take out order from North Korea.”
The room erupted in laughter.
While the room laughed, the mayor seated next to the Senator leaned over his plate to politely whisper to Senator Hubris, “Don’t you think you should be more respectful to the armed agents protecting us all?”
Hubris gave the man an incredulous look and waved his hand, “Hell no, these guys all worked the State Department. They’re used to being treated as servants.”
“Now I want you all to enjoy the meal and consider this plan on how our city zoos can save money while we all look caring and magnanimous.”
“Zoos?” Several mayors looked at each other.
“Yes, zoos,” Hubris explained. “The cost of renting pandas is about a million a year and the expense of keeping them adds another 500k. Zoos would love to spend the money elsewhere and we can acquire ten times that amount in the free news discussions of our friendly and loquacious media supporters across the nation. The media will expound our virtues, generosity, and good intentions. I expect news headlines for over a week.”
“Uh, Hubris,” an older mayor clanked his fork upon his fine china plate, “Just what are you talking about?”
“Sanctuary cities for Pandas,” Hubris beamed.
“We can offer global warming asylum for pandas,” Hubris looked about the room into blank faces that stared back at him. “The free advertising will save us millions in campaign funds.” The faces began to twitch into smiles.
“People will come to your cities to support the fugitives,” Hubris continued. “There will be marches, parades, and news articles extolling your virtues.” More faces began to nod understanding.
“Our zoo’s pandas just had a baby panda,” one mayor commented while rubbing his chin in thought.
“An anchor bear!” another mayor shouted. Now the table occupants became positively animated.
“Uh, isn’t anchor bear a derogatory term?” a younger mayor questioned the group.
Only one city official responded by quietly saying, “That’s why this meeting is classified, nitwit.” The elite persons within earshot silently nodded agreement.
“What about China?” another mayor asked, “Isn’t keeping the bears illegal?”
“You’re the mayor of a sanctuary city and now you become worried about legalities?” Hubris frowned. “By offering salvation to a few bears, we can set a precedent for keeping all illegals safe and happy. It’s a win, win situation and it will take years of court hearings to resolve. In the meantime – we keep the bears and everyone else, Hehe.”
“I say &*% China, they won’t give a damn about a few people gone missing.”
“True, but these are bears.”
“Yeah, they will care about the bears.”
“We can share our bear research and diagnostic information,” a mayor inserted his observation with sage-like authority, “That should satisfy them.”
“They already have that data,” another mayor argued.
“Your voters don’t know that,” Hubris liked the sharing idea.
“I’ll have to agree,” the sage replied, “they don’t read much in my city.”
“I’m going home and create a new organization – Bears without Borders!”
“This sounds like a deal we can live with.”
“Free bears, free voters, and free advertising.”
“Gentlemen,” Hubris daubed his chin with a linen napkin, “I believe this deal out trumps Trump.”
“He’s not the only one who can play hard ball with China!” They all tore into their lunch, celebrating in an ursine frenzy.

Written by poyhonen

September 5, 2015 at 8:47 pm

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