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Senator Hubris Campaign Planning

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Senator Hubris Campaign Planning
“I don’t give you all their money to make things better,” Jimmy stated, “I spend the dues to keep myself at the top of the heap and make sure I continue to get the very best of what this world has to offer. I’ve gotta hand it to you Hubris, you’re are one of the best investments I have ever made.”
Senator Hubris held up his glass saying, “We make an excellent team.”
“We shall overcome,” came the union response.
The union leader sat in the plush chair situated across a large wood desk heavily carved in ornate motifs inlaid with mother of pearl. He sipped well aged bourbon from an etched glass tumbler. “This is mighty fine booze, you got here,” he held the glass up. Ice clinked comfortably within the tumbler as the man downed the rest of the bourbon. “Ahhhh,” Jimmy beamed with pleasure.
“Only too glad to serve you the best, Jimmy,” Senator Hubris said from behind the large desk. “More?”
“Oh, not right now,” Jimmy replied. “Too much corn liquor gives me the shits. You can give me a beer later.”
“No problem there,” the Senator pointed to a cabinet above a small bar inset into the wall, “Got beer in the fridge above the sink.”
“Well, why don’t you tell me what you’re planning and how I can help get the vote out,” Jimmy got down to the business at hand.
“Oh, yes, well, I need to get my districts canvassed to drive out the voters and make sure they get to the right machines.”
“Just where are your districts?” Jimmy asked.
Hubris rose heavily from his padded chair . He walked around the desk and pulled a cord that exposed a large vinyl map that had been mounted on the wall and rolled up like a window shade.
“Here is a map of the state and our party districts are outlined in yellow,” he said.
“Looks like someone puked creamed corn all over the map,” Jimmy observed.
“Yeah, it’s what we had to do in order to zone up the right people,” Hubris traced some of the non-yellow districts with a fat finger. “We had to avoid this area – too many engineers live there. And this donut looking area surrounds a clot of older retired folks who haven’t had the decency to move out and let us put in some public housing. Damned veterans, most of ’em.”
“What’s that big puddle of yellow up north?” Jimmy asked.
“Oh, that area is pretty safe,” Hubris smiled and thumped the large area with his forefinger. “That’s the college area. Filled with teachers and students. We got them all text-booked into believing capitalism is imperialism and all capitalists are greedy, evil, and white.”
“Text-booked?” Jimmy pondered out loud. “Hey, I’m white.”
Hubris laughed, “Yeah, we write the books and set the agenda for the schooling. Works great! Our version of the constitution is taught without religious forefathers to screw things up with self respect and responsibility. Our schools are staffed with social justice liberals who actually believe they are the American wave of the future. Tight bastards though; they don’t donate worth a shit but we can get them riled up real easy,” Hubris hesitated for a moment’s thought, “So if you could manufacture a crisis; I’d appreciate it.”
“I don’t know,” Jimmy looked perplexed. “Aren’t most of them kids white too?”
“Of course and if they don’t feel guilty for being white after high school we make sure they feel culpable for all the ills of society within the first year of college,” Hubris beamed.
“Hmm,” Jimmy rubbed his lips with a large paw.
“Or they don’t pass the curriculum,” added the Senator.
Jimmy smiled, “Now that I understand. Good work there. We’ve had to persuade some teachers of late, I hate to say. Seems not all of them want to join the union. Personally, I don’t care if they want to join or not. I want their dues and, By God, I will have them. Give ’em a few years of easy work, a few bucks, and wag tenure in their faces and they get more docile over time. Pretty soon all they are good for is teaching, and they teach the party line or, or we have another talk with them.”
“They can get uppity at times,” Hubris nodded. “But you know I will support any bennies or retirement options you want to shake in front of their greedy little noses and we can gift them all the booty of collective bargaining.”
“You know we are going to raise the dues, so your cut will be another ten percent over last year,” Jimmy pursed his lips with pride.
“Good, I’m gonna need more money this time,” Hubris replied. “Damn tea-party. Hey, just how do ya persuade some recalcitrant?”
“Uh, you don’t want to know,” Jimmy replied sincerely.
“Oh, come on Jimmy,” Hubris pressed, “Ya don’t water board them, do ya?”
“Shit Hubris,” Jimmies smile covered his whole face, “GITMO be a vacation experience compared to what we do. Well, if we really have to, that is.”
“I guess you’re right,” the Senator spoke thoughtfully, “I don’t really want to know. But I digress,” Hubris moved a finger from his nose to the map, “This strip here is where we need to focus on getting people out to the booths. There are lots of conservatives all around this area and we need to sweep them with numbers.”
“No problem,” Jimmy stood and walked to the wall to get a closer look at the map. “We can bus some voters in like we did last time. Might as well have them make the circuit. I can give you four busloads of voters travelling through all this area and the donut.”
“You know, some gang members standing outside might be helpful in discouraging the wrong voters,” the politician suggested.
“Hell, yeah,” Jimmy said. “Good idea. We can recruit them from the north side, bus ’em east and have them vote in both places while we are at it. These people aren’t too bright but they are totally brainwashed zombies against conservatives. All I have to do is tell ’em their rights are in jeopardy and so many show up I have to send half of them home. I’m almost embarrassed at what I preach to ’em but they gulp it up like starving dogs around road kill. Won’t be any police problem will there?”
“Hell no,” Hubris responded with enthusiasm, “Can’t legally harass a white person – no one will prosecute for a white victim. At least not while this administration is in power. But you can’t use white thugs either.”
“We got plenty of thugs of color,” the union man responded, “We are an equal opportunity outfit.” They both laughed.
“I am sorry about the lack of Hispanic support,” Jimmy shook his head. “Just not that many unionized, yet,” he said.
“I’ve been thinking about that and I think I have an approach,” said Hubris.
The phone rang and Hubris pointed to the distraction while moving towards the desk.
“I gotta shit, anyway,” Jimmy grimaced. “It’s turtling now – be right back.” He ran into the Senator’s private bathroom and shut the door just as Hubris picked up the phone.
“Senator Hubris,” the politician spoke politely into the phone.
“Ah, yes, of course I remember you Mayor Burgess. Well, I had the staff do some research and it does seem a bit extravagant to build a new school for only 2,000 students. Yes, yes. I meant rebuild the existing school, but you know that entire school was just refurbished 2 years ago. New brick façade, expanded area. It was quite expensive. We had to eminent domain twelve private homes and that wasn’t very popular. Why do you need a new Olympic sized indoor pool? I see. Well I must say that I do agree with you. Yes, the entire structure we built two years ago has been totally trashed by the students. You say the new roof leaks? How…? Oh the fire. Yes, I understand. Um- hm. I’m not sure I can get this through with all the budget cuts and all. Oh, and who is that? You mean the movie actor? And? Three million in donations to my Super Pac? You can be sure that I will fight tooth and nail for our children’s education. Nothing could be more important than investing in the future of our nation. Yes, I must agree with you. A new and modernized school does prove we care. It will be difficult – but I promise you – we should have a budget of at least 12, maybe 15 million by spring. Yes, of course. Why, I am your Senator, after all. I will be glad to help you out. Of course you are. Yes, thank you. Bye now.”
The Senator returned the phone to it’s cradle where it immediately vibrated with another ring.
“Judy, Judy, Judy,” Hubris shouted, “Can’t you defer some of these calls?”
“It’s the oil company again,” came the return shout. Judy’s voice was never impeded by walls or thick oak doors. Her tone reverberated through all obstacles with equal intensity.
Hubris had avoided this communication successfully for two weeks but now he felt he had little choice and picked up the phone. For all he knew, someone could be waiting outside his office. Of course that could be the reason Judy had finally transferred the call. Regardless; he resigned himself to be cordial.
“Senator Hubris here,” he said stoically. He listened to the beginning of a diatribe before interrupting the caller with a greeting.
“Ah, Mister Sludgeman, how are you? May I be of assistance? Oh, I’m sorry Mister Sudsman. Please accept my apology. Why thank you. Well, you know that was decided by the EPA. No, they aren’t elected officials. But they protect us all from nasty things, I’m told. I truly am aware that their regulations and forms have increased by an order of magnitude in the last year and a half but that has nothing to do with the Senate office, Mr. Sudsman. No, I don’t even get a chance to review the changes and the Senate cannot arbitrarily modify any of the proffered policy updates. Yes, if you disobey their orders you would be breaking the law and no, they don’t make legislation – that is the Senate’s job. Laws are made by congress, Mr. Sudsman and I would be most happy to help you in that area but I can’t order the EPA around and yes; you must abide by their policies. No, Mr. Sudsman; congress does not write EPA policy. Well, they have been appointed by the President, you know. Why don’t you call the EPA Czar and voice your concerns? Well, I’m glad to hear from you and please let me know if I can be of further assistance.”

Written by poyhonen

October 23, 2014 at 4:33 am

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